THIS is how I am doing...

My life hasn't always been rainbows and lollipops.  Unwed pregnant college student, newlywed poor college student and mother, times of unemployment and unsure futures, divorced single mom of 2, foster mom... The list of hard things in my life is much longer.  (This is just the highlight reel! Haha!)  

But this week, I have experienced the hardest thing yet.  Letting my precious baby girl go to her first overnight visit with her bio family. For over 2 years, I have loved her with my whole heart. Late nights, early mornings, weeks together in various hospitals.  From bottles and burp cloths to potty training  and Abcs. I never knew how long I would share my day to day life with her, but I always knew that I wanted it to be forever.  

And now, the time has come to allow her to be loved and cared for by her biological family.   I have known for months that today was coming. But it hasn't lessened the pain. I have cried off and on for days. Days. 

I cannot explain the emptiness. The shock. The sheer pain from the impending loss.  If letting go for one night feels like this, how will I ever survive letting go forever?  Well, let's be real here. I will never let go. But still, the pain. It's like nothing I have ever experienced before.  

You see, this isn't happening because of my choosing, or because of hers. It's really one of the great ironies of life - in that those who are stepping in to care for her are doing it out of love. So, there's really no one in particular to be upset with. I guess this is where people wind up sometimes and decide to get mad at God. I know better than that. So, I just seem to have discussions with Him instead.

"Jesus, you know how much I love her.  I don't think I can do this. I love her too much for this."

And then, almost immediately, I hear Him say, "I know, sweet girl. Just like I love you."  

Goodness, I am loved so very much. So very much more than I could ever imagine. He just reminds me over and over again. And then, sweet friends who love Jesus let Him use them to share his encouragement with me. (Like two different people, 200 miles apart, shared the same scripture with me today.) 

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (Philippians 4:4-7 MSG)

So, I read His words. (Because obviously, he really wants me to read this.  He sent it to me twice through two different people!)  I read. And I cry. (Imagine that!) But what happens next is different... Different than yesterday. Different from earlier today. It's peace. Peace. And so, I rest in His peace. 

Admittedly, I tend to fret and worry again pretty quickly. Especially about this situation. But, I am so thankful. Jesus loves me. He has given me both his spirit and his word. And so, as I preach the gospel to myself...

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (Romans 8:26-28 MSG)

For thus says the Lord : “Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip, and bounced upon her knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem. You shall see, and your heart shall rejoice; your bones shall flourish like the grass; and the hand of the Lord shall be known to his servants, and he shall show his indignation against his enemies. (Isaiah 66:12-14 ESV) (I had to keep this one in the ESV because when God first spoke to my heart about losing my baby girl, these were the exact words he spoke and it just means a lot. Exactly how this one is worded.) 

God means what he says. What he says goes. His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God’s Word. We can’t get away from it—no matter what. (Hebrews 4:12, 13 MSG)

We can't get away from it. Read his word and you will be transformed. From the inside out. And so, the tears continue. But I'm choosing joy. I'm choosing to trust the only one who can be trusted with those that I love so dearly. I continue to place my life - and the life of my precious baby girl - into the hands of Jesus.